Date:	2006-05-21 11:50
Subject:	nuni.
Security:	Public
Mood:	quixotic
Music:	...

aftermath of bora and bagyong Caloy (my dad's name, sumama sa bora):

i can't eat, sleep, and function properly.


it's either i'm soooooo in love or just broken hearted...


:'(

Date:	2006-02-21 09:03
Subject:	the truth is...
Security:	Public
Mood:	artistic

i met a famous production designer this afternoon. i realized that i had so many things to learn about events. :)

i'm willing to be trained din naman. hehe next time, i'll know what to do. :D i can do better.


but first... joskopo elaine... matuto ka na mag drawiiiiing!!!! :D WAHAHAHAHAHHA


YAHOOOOO! :D

Date:	2006-02-16 11:24
Subject:	red is not my color.
Security:	Public
Mood:	sad
Music:	hold me now

i was so groggy when i got to work this morning. i had tons of things to attend to. sometimes i think i stress myself with work. but i'd rather be busy. pre-occupied. stressed! i swear just 10 mins alone inside my room is a lifetime of depression... wore a red blouse, hoping that it would somehow cheer me up. silly.

nger.

just last week, she was diagnosed to have cancer, advanced stage, at the age of 91. sad at first, but i knew that my dear Lola had fulfilled her purpose in life. she had 7 professional children, all with families of their own (ehem... with beautiful, handsome and talented grandchildren! ehehhehe) she even got to play with her great grandchildren!!! almost a century of a happy life.

i visited her this afternoon. i found her resting so i just hugged her and she held on to me. when she woke up, she smiled at me but she vaguely remembered who I was. she constantly asked me as to when will my mami come home. (only girl nya kasi and her favorite at that) said she missed her and that she felt bad coz she thinks that my mom was mad at her. Lola told me that mami had stopped communicating with her... My mom calls her everyday. (she has incipient Alzheimer's disease already) *hirap hindi umiyak eh.*

I brought her a nurse to take care of her. She insisted that she didn't need one because she was healthy. Oblivious of her true condition, she tried to impress me by standing up, eating, and socializing. She was just the sweetest thing! :) A few minutes later, she asked me something that left me speechless.

"My dear, nakita mo ba si lakay?"
"huh? Lola, sino pong lakay?"
*lola stares at me blankly*
"anong sinong lakay? edi ang asawa ko..."

SILENCE.

"katabi ko lang sha kanina e. well, baka namasyal ano?"

*elaine hugs lola


my lolo itay passed away 11 years ago. :( i didn't have the heart to tell her that.



it was so hard to hold back the tears that were already welling up my lids. :,( so i excused myself.



now, i can't sleep. i worry about my mom. she knows that Lola Inay has only a few weeks or a month to live (so the doctor says, but we're praying real hard for an extension). I am fully aware that she hasn't recovered from my Papa's loss... but this time, I think she'll just breakdown. :(


umuwi ka na Nanay... :,(

Date:	2005-09-06 00:39
Subject:	joy=pain
Security:	Public
Mood:	sad

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my uncle died last friday.

while i was on the mrt going to the office, my sister texted me that tito caloy passed away. tito caloy is my best friend's father, also my cousin, who i'm so proud of for recently topnotching the board exams for optometry. as in number one sha pare, july 21 manila bulletin and philipine star check it out. she is now dra. marie elaine corinne maceda. she is also the current ms. ceu(yes, as in beauty pageant), and she has been receiving offers to enter show business. brains + beauty. yes. i'm very proud of her. and yet with all these accomplishments, she is still the most humble person i know. i watched her grow from a snotty kid into a beautiful and successful woman. and last friday, her dad died.

i was crying on my way back from shaw, i texted her to confirm if the news was true and told her i was on my way, tell me where you are, puntahan kita. she simply texted "panay". a little later, my tito called me up."asan ka na? dalian mo at hindi matigil sa kaiiyak si elaine"...

as soon as i entered their apartment, humagulgul sha ng sobrang lakas, yinakap ko sha ng mahigpit, at pinabayaang ilabas nya lahat. actually, hindi ko alam kung ano sasabihin ko. every comforting phrase i i could think of was not enough.
"kinuha nya papa ko...bakit nya kinuha papa ko? sana ako na lang...bakit hindi ko sha kinausap? hindi man lang sila nag abot ng mama ko...pauwi na sha e(her mom is working in the states to earn for her dad's operation)mag hahoneymoon pa sila e...kawawa naman mama ko...hindi sila nag abot...sana hindi na lang ako pumasa, sana bumagsak na lang ako kung ito lang kapalit...sana ako na lang..."

wala akong nasabi. iba kasi pag sa yo nangyari yun e. mamatayan ka ng tatay. tangina. kahit anong "ok lang yan" or "kasama yan sa buhay" hindi uubra.

ok na sha ngayon, huminahon na. she's smiling now. i slept over the other night sa funeraria paz, we labeled our group the talsik laway tigas kahoy gang, because of the charades extravaganza we had, to kill the time. i gave them the movie titles to act out, like "iyo ang tundo akin ang cavite" and "enteng kabisote". yesterday, the whole choir sang for the whole family, i sat beside her and held her hand as i watched her eyes move down, slowly filling up with tears.


this is the first death sa generation ng parents namen. at least the first one i witnessed. ang bigat. di ko matake pero kailangan tanggapin. everything in this world is temporary and we all have to accept it.
pag time mo na, time mo na. treat every moment with your family like it's your last.

kaya nga ang galing ng flaming lips e.

all we have is now.

do you realize that everyone you know someday will die?
and instead of saying all of your goodbyes,
let them know you realize that life goes fast,
it's hard to make the good things last, you realize when the sun goes down,
is just an illusion caused by the world spinning round...


tito caloy, we will miss you. i promise to take care of elaine. :)

it's been a month now... hay... and they say it's my year??!?!.. :,(

i miss you papa.. :,(

Date:	2005-07-25 12:04
Subject:	2005- they say it's my year...
Security:	Public
Mood:	ecstatic
Music:	must be dreaming

just for the record. :)

http://www.prc.gov.ph/articles.asp?sid=4&aid=2254



Thank you Lord for the help and guidance. You've given me so much.

Thanks to my loving and supportive family.

Thank you also to loved ones and faithful friends.

Thank you, my lucky star.



still can't believe it. But it's over and done with. and with that, I am truly grateful. :,)



WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
PARTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHH!!!! \:D/


CONGRATS TO ALL THE NEW DOCTORS!!! GOOD LUCK IN YOUR CAREER AND ENJOY LIFE! hehehe

Date:	2005-07-19 21:45
Subject:	FINALLY!!!!
Security:	Public
Mood:	grateful

last day of my exams...

Please Lord!!!

Date:	2005-06-02 08:54
Subject:	...
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative
Music:	dripping water

i'm at peace when i'm confused.

Date:	2005-05-17 19:03
Subject:	reincarnated
Security:	Public
Mood:	depressed
Music:	dead silence

well.. hello again. :-|

took me quite some time to remember my username... hay.

how have i been?

why does everything seem so damn wrong? :(

i've been through hell but heck, i have to grow up and set my priorities straight.



i miss my old self.

i miss my old life.

i miss doing old things.

i miss being near old things.

i miss laughing.

i miss being with....



:,(



oh well, i'm all f*cked up now.

"where's my true happiness?" i often ask myself that question... and end up crying.



so much for my dreams.


*back to review*

Date:	2005-01-20 12:25
Subject:	just grateful... :,)
Security:	Public
Mood:	high
Music:	for you i will - monica

THANKS SO MUCH TO ALL OF YOU!!!! :D

i don't want to sound showbiz-like.. pero what the heck... thanks to:

my dear family (pops and dear ol' bros) and cousins, dane, fhuckz, sands, fatsi shob, lai, vero, steve, jeff, cris, hermann, kuya philip, jayson, myrna, riccie, jan, and the opto faculty, also to all my friendly friends from my college and all the other colleges, FEU friends, kuya jay, aleck.. LAHAT NA!!! :)

ANGAT PINOY 2005!!!

WOOOOOOOOHOOOOOO!!!!

love you guys... wouldn't have made it without all your help and valuable support. :) thanks thanks..

shiye shiye ni. arigato. salamat.




galing nung make up artist ko.. nalinlang natin ang mga judges... natago ang aking bird!! WAHAHHAHAHAHHA

Date:	2005-01-19 08:35
Subject:	the ramp of neverwhere
Security:	Public
Mood:	bouncy
Music:	dreaming of you tonight-selena

OK. this is it!!!

had dress tech reheasals last night. and boy am i tired... i couldn't walk so well coz i had a nasty cut on my right big toe. :( now, how did i get that??!!! well, we were rehearsing the other day and one of candidates accidentally stepped on my foot... heels and all... :( hahay.. i had to buy a new pair of stillets pa. LAGAAAAAS!!! haha but i'm ok. i could barely feel the pain. have to psyche up myself... go positive aura! hahaha

actually it's not the pageant that excites me.. it's the things i'll do after tonight that i'm really looking forward to!!! WAHAHAHHAH after tonight, I WILL...

1. EAT EAT EAT!!! those leafy veggies are bad for me.. not enough vitamins!!!
2. sleep sleep minus all the pageant-related nightmares! WOOOOHOOOOO!!! no more pigsa sa pwet nightmares!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! AHAHAHAHHAH
3. finally, concentrate on my studies and rotations
4. EAT SOME MORE.
5. thank my family and all my friends for supporting me all the way... it's really overwhelming guys. and everytime i think about it, i get all teary-eyed.. promise. :,) THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!! :D
5. make time for myself, go to a SPA or something.. hahaha
6. EAT ICE CREAM AND MORE CANDIES!!! that dream of mine.. asa candyland daw ako, but since i was on a strict diet, binigyan lang nila ako ng 3 pirasong STORK candy!!! :(( the AGONYYYYYYYY!!!!!!
7. go to sagada with my cousins!!!! :D YEEEEEEEEEEYYYYY!!!!

WOOOOOHOOOOOO!!! can't wait to get this over with! haha

ayan, have to prep all my stuff na. balitaan na lang in a week's time. hehe duty ako bukas eh. hehehe :)

break a leg ELAINE!!! AAAAAAGH!!! wag na pla.. injured na nga pala ako ano?!?! so....


AJAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! :D hehe

Date:	2005-01-09 19:22
Subject:	i love you tatay
Security:	Public
Mood:	gloomy

i was talking to a friend on the phone about my problems... my fruitful past, the chaotic present and my gloomy future. :[ i tried to control my emotions so as not to cry. when you pretend to be happy, some people can still see right through you.. i began to sob at the mention of Your name. His name. US.

of all the people who would come rescue and comfort me.. i didn't expect it to be him..

my dad gave me a hug today...

(i haven't really talked to him about my personal problems since i was... umm, three years old when i cried on him 'coz this stern nurse injected vaccine on my right thigh which left a nasty dent on my LOGS...)

surprisingly, it didn't feel awkward. i just sat beside him and cried on his shoulder. he just held me close and told me that letting go wasn't an easy task. God, tell me something i don't know... i then found out that my mom talked to him already. astig. they care for me.

it is true. kahit na gaano ka kasama sa mundo at talikuran ka na ng lahat, ang Diyos at ang pamilya mo lang ang makakaintindi at magmamahal sayo hanggang sa huli.


I'm sorry for everything.

Date:	2005-01-09 09:45
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	depressed

this will be one of my last entries here...


:,(

Date:	2005-01-05 22:08
Subject:	butterflies in the stomach.. BIG ONES.
Security:	Public
Mood:	thoughtful

di ako nag duty ngayon.

had our measurements taken this afternoon for the formal gowns. AND we tried on our swimsuits.. bweset. i have such a HUMONGOUS BUTT that it seemed like i was wearing a thong of some sort!!! X-( LECH... THE SHAME... and this mr. designer comes up to me and tries to convince me to join Bb. Pilipinas!!! lehenges... as if!!! Ginoong Pilipinas, pwede pa! hahaha :))

anyhoo... ayun, the competition is exactly two weeks from now... TWO WEEKS!!! WAAAAAAAAH!!! i've never felt this nervous before.. sure i've been on stage a couple of times, hosting.. but hosting's different. it's not my forte to walk around and strut my stuff... i have difficulty walking with 3-inched heels. i'm more macho than the male candidates!! WAHAHAHA Good Lord, help me. but still, i like the adrenaline rush. nakaka high eh. >:) hehe sana nga matapos na para wala na akong problemahin pa. hehe WOOOHOOOOO!!! maging bading sana ako just for one night! hohohoho

so, wish me luck. hope i won't trip or something. hehe Q&A... hope i won't make a fool out of myself. hehe

Date:	2004-11-29 11:40
Subject:	:,(
Security:	Public
Mood:	blank

hindi ko na alam kung ano ang dapat kong gawin.
hindi huminto ang oras sa akin kagabi.
ipinagdasal ko na mapatawad mo ako
lumamig na ang panahon
pero tiyak na mas malamig na ang mga gabi ko ngayon.


hindi ko kaya na wala ka...

:,(


Lord, just let me die.

Date:	2004-11-25 11:55
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	lethargic
Music:	go kitchie

haller! wahaha sino ba nag-imbento ng word na to? haha just dropping by.. no classes today because of the transpo strike. wahoo!! pero kahapon, halos maisumpa ko na ang mga taxi dahil umabot ng 400 ang nagastos ko para sa fare lang... :(( lagas ang allowance.. :(

i'll go to the condo and swim. yes yes... >:) before i pack, i've made a checklist.

key for the unit? *CHECK*
my towel? *CHECK*
my pink slippers? *CHECK*
my bathing suit? *CHECK*
extra clothes? *CHECK*
cash? *CHECK*
companion? hmm.. sino ba mayaya? pero.. kahit wala nalang. so *CHECK*

ok.. now i'm ready to leave. i just have to convince myself to move from this chair.



YAY! :D






YAY!

Date:	2004-11-21 23:20
Subject:	elaine the repressed pig!
Security:	Public
Mood:	geeky
Music:	love song- 311

WAAHAHAHHAHAHHAAHHAHHAHAHA

i feel so geeky.... EEEEYW.. they had a tie for the Jose Rizal thing. WAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA MY GAD!!!! AHAHAHAH still can't believe it.

si chona at ako: my, never thought i could be this... er, dorky? haha but i guess the admin would pick chona. hehe :) she needs it more than i do. Chona, being the most active student in school (not to mention, the University council president... ), who was i compared to her?! hahahaha

'twas an experience. EYW. masaya at ok na rin. hehe

had a grand time today learning how to play the guitar... AGAIN! hehe AH, music! i like, hmmm no... love to sing. yep, i used to sing when i was younger.. joining all sorts of contests, singing different songs from different genres and languages. but when i reached college, i never got to sing on stage anymore. kinalawang na tuloy. haha oh well.. i could still give it a shot. hehe maiba naman sa hosting. hehe

AND! i also got to pig out today! WOOOOoooHHHOOOOOOOO!!!! i'm getting way to thin. hindi na bagay. :( hahay. need to gain a li'l mass! yey!!! besides, the diet has mentally affected me. like everything i see is good for eating!!! AHHAHAHA :)) at mejo slow na ako. haha ay teka, nothing new there! haha slow nga pala tlga ako.. :)

at dito nagsimula ang regression ng diet ni elaine.. haha

i need to get back on my review. just the thought of the boards enough to keep me up. GAD. mag-review kasi... asa pang may na-stock. AHAHAHA

Date:	2004-11-18 21:52
Subject:	gad.
Security:	Public
Mood:	dorky
Music:	What Everbody Knows- Marc Dorsey

it's bad enough that i'm in a gay pageant.. just awhile ago i was in an interview for...

JOSE RIZAL MODEL STUDENT OF THE PHILIPPINES 2005!!!

WAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA

my goodness.. had no idea that the interview was today. HAHA *mental note: elaine, bumili ka na ng organizer or something.. * e kasi i only received the form yesterday when it was due the day before pa. then you have to indicate there the academic awards and achievements that you had and have plus enumerate all the activities you're into... parang binebenta yung sarili.. ayun, i didn't get to read the memo about the interview.. hahaha

anyhooo,it felt all to weird sitting beside those supposedly honor students. (they were asking each other's latin honors/ranking.. nanaliit ako bigla. haha) yung iba kasi sobrang kinareer yung interview. yung isa-kabadong kabado, tapus meron ding nag-aaral. i asked her kung may quiz sha tom, wala lang daw.. to kill time lang. tapus yung may isa din na she kept bragging about her magna status. ok.. napangiti na nga lang ako eh. there were 8 or 9 of us. and i kept wondering why i was there... i didn't even like rizal to begin with!!!! HAHAHAHHAHAHAH buti na lang andun si harold bongbong. mautak pero kenkoy and HUMBLE. what a character! hehe :D

sample questions during the interview that really cracked me up(but of course i answered with just a little giggle or a silly smile instead. haha):

1. "miss maceda, what are your similarities with rizal?" ---i almost laughed, not really certain why but i just gave a fair answer. i think. haha

2. "how did you prepare for this search?" ... ay ano daw yun? haha mala-beauty contest na tanong ata 'to.

3. "ok... so, is rizal your idol?" --MY GASH, idol??!! parang april boy regino ba?!! hahaha :))




nakakaaliw lang kasi that the 3 panelists were asking me with such serious (constipated pa nga itsura nung isa... >:D haha) faces!!! WAHAHAHAHA para akong criminal na nasa questioning eh. 1 long table, sila sa north ako sa south naka upo. haha :D "i'm innocent!"

over with. i hope chona or harold gets the title. they deserve it more than i do. :)

even if i don't believe in rizal's ideals, i'd like to thank those people who believed in me. salamat po ng marami. :)

nga pala.. they already posted the pictures sa north gate.. so... buong school lang naman makakakita ng bakla kong picture doon.. so much for my dignity.. THE SHAME, THE AGONY!!! Tomorrow, be ready to subject yourself in pure humiliation!!! I'M DOOMED!!! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! ELAINE YOU'RE GAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! NGAAAAAAAAAH!!! my gad.. my gad tlga.. :,(

time to check on my hidden talents, if there be any left.. 1 month to go! AAAAAAAAAGH!!! NGAR :( help..
HEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!

Date:	2004-11-18 10:50
Subject:	i'm back!
Security:	Public
Mood:	dorky
Music:	wag na wag- kitchie nadal

my gulay.. i almost forgot i had an account here. hahahaha

just a run down. i have duty in an hour. MAKATI traffic, here i come!!! WOOOHOOOO.. fun.

ENGEL, happy birthday dude!! see you soon. text me pag nasa Pinas ka na ha??!!! Pasalubong ha?!?! AHAHHAHA :D

fatsi and fhuckz, sorry mashado ata akong distant lately... hmm.. busy lang ba tayo lahat, i guess.. miss you guys!!

oist helga, ang payat payat mo na sa mga picture ha!!! sino ba naman kasi nagsasabi sayo na tabachingching ka??!! pa-check kamo ng mata sakin. hehe pero really, you're toooo slim to be fat. haha

LARA-- dear cuz!! i've sooooo much to tell you!!! how are you? what's new with you? i miss you dear.. :)

ok, gotta go!! hehehe

Date:	2004-11-08 22:40
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah

are you happy?


coz i'm not. :,(

Date:	2004-10-27 19:55
Subject:	EVIL!!!
Security:	Public
Mood:	devious
Music:	etc

masarap kumain!!! :D BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA